New York City. Hollywood, California. Europe. These are just a few of the locations Timber Creek students flocked to over spring break in order to make the most of their week off, visiting renowned landmarks and soaking up every last ounce of vacation they could before school resumed for the fourth quarter and they would have to hit the books again for another nine weeks. As for me, I had plans to drop by Washington D.C. in hopes that I would get to visit our nation’s capitol’s most well known landmarks, from the Lincoln Memorial to the Smithsonian. The article I was going to write about the place was going to be a reader’s feast, filled with juicy details of all the sites I would have the privilege of seeing first-hand.
We don’t always get what we want though, do we?
With claims of a lack of funds for a trip to The American Rome and a weak apology from my mother, I was instead flown off to the great state of Kansas, where I was to stay with my older half-brother for a couple of days while he tended to his intriguing financial work in the state capitol building. I did get to see my fair share of the Wheat State (yeah, that’s seriously the state’s nickname), and seeing that I have no other big trips or glamorous cities to report on for the Tribune, here is a dummies’ guide to Kansas created by yours truly.
A Brief History
Centuries ago, when European explorer Francisco Coronado discovered the land that would later become the state of Kansas, he had no idea of the generations of residents that would over time go on to build, found and populate what would come to be one of the ugliest places in United States territory. Part of the land that the United States bought with the Louisiana Purchase, Kansas was founded as a state in 1861. The name stemmed from the Kansa Indian Tribe that resided there before inevitably being, kindly put, “evicted” by our seventh president Andrew Jackson. Today, America feels buyer’s remorse over the millions of dollars they spent on Kansas land in 1803, as it would’ve been way more convenient (and admittedly cooler) for us to purchase more cannons instead.
Abilene
This wasteland of a city is located in central eastern Kansas, and is most well-known as the city 34th president Dwight Eisenhower grew up in (as sad as that is). Today, it is home to the Museum of Independent Telephony which is, I kid you not, a museum dedicated solely to the development of telephones over the centuries. Nearby is also a pretty good Sonic drive-thru, but besides that, the city is for the most part barren.
Lawrence
Home to the University of Kansas, this city is the epicenter of pet food and greeting card production. It also has one of the hottest college bars in the country, which is nice because anyone attending college in Kansas is sure to need a drink or twelve every once in awhile.
Emporia
This grain and farming transportation center is located near Cottonwood Rivers. (Don’t sweat if you don’t know what that is. Nobody does, trust me.) If you’re visiting Emporia, you’re most likely on the hunt for some livestock, to which I’d say I don’t understand your motive, but to each his own I suppose.
Wichita
Wichita is the place to be, with its massive highway junction being its most enticing attribute. This city is also home to its own airport and my brother’s ex-girlfriend (which he finds absolutely hilarious, seeing as it’s the worst place anyone could live in the entire state).
Topeka
As far as state capitals go, Kansas’ sucks. Topeka is littered with small and run-down buildings, which really makes the city’s 3-million dollar capital building stick out like a sore thumb. One might compare it to a portable toilet with quilted toilet paper or a plate of vomit topped with a nice mint garnish. This city is also home to the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, which made its way into the mainstream with its anti-everything rhetoric.
Manhattan
It was just recently this city was crowned the label The Middle of Nowhere, and rightfully so, as it is a long drive through miles of hills and fields before you finally reach this “city.” Besides being home to Kansas State University, which has one of the highest acceptance rates of any university to date, the production of car parts is also what might draw someone to this location (although that’s more on the unlikely side of things).
Dodge City
Kick back and relax in the nearest La Quinta Inn as you enjoy everyone’s favorite vacation destination! Located in southwestern Kansas, here you can soak up the sun and take in the stench of cattle feces as you tour their market and shipping center as well as their local college called Mary of the Plains.
Coffeyville
Much to everyone’s surprise, here in this southeastern city you can find an abundance of cattle, as well as a population of people who are on the verge of burying themselves alive among them to put themselves out of their misery.
Fort Scott
This city manufactures aluminum cans and stone products. Please avoid it at all costs for your own mental health and well-being.
Overland Park
Overland Park is home to the only shopping center for what feels like thousands of miles. Because of this, I like to call it ‘Hell’s Rest Stop’.
Kansas City
A zoo, a theme park, and a plaza filled with some of the best restaurants the whole midwest has to offer are located in Kansas City… Missouri. Across the state line on the other hand, is a nice railroad and a Baptist Church, sights any tourist would enjoy visiting just as much.
If the description I’ve provided of this delightful state had you on the edge of your seat, you’ll be thrilled to hear that I’ve only covered a small fraction of Kansas in this article! If you enjoy the thought of paying the Wheat State a visit, buy an airline ticket! There is plenty of fertile soil for you to use to dig your own grave, seeing as your attraction to this state makes your life no longer worth living. Bon voyage, Wolves!