Fashion lover’s guide to watching sports

By DAVID MATTESON

Hating sporting events is often a typical characteristic those who love style and everything glamorous.

This fashion-loving columnist certainly doesn’t understand the appeal of watching sweaty athletes run up and down a field trying to score a point.  It’s hardly entertaining, and it seems relatively worthless in the scheme of things.  Often the closest thing to sports that a style lover gets is watching models trudge elegantly down a runway.

Games and matches are just so aggravating.  The people who attend are obnoxious and heckle each other, everyone’s sweating because they’re usually outside and games seem to take forever.  Overall, sports are just awful to watch.

And yet, everyone has had to sit through a boring sporting event at some point.  Whether it is for a significant other or a friend, peer pressure is often the reason to attend.  So, to help survive watching a dull and irritating game, here’s a glamour lover’s guide to watching sports.

Research the Game. If one hopes to gain something out of the entire experience, one has to do homework before the game.  Research the rules of the sport and the common terminology.  Don’t be the fashion snob who irritates all of those die-hard fans by mixing up football and basketball vocabulary.

Also, if accompanying a friend to the game, don’t be annoying and ask, “What’s going on?” the entire time.  He or she is there to watch the event and have fun, not to educate you on the basic rules.  By doing research beforehand, you can prevent yourself from looking completely ignorant.

Play the Distraction Game. Trying to distract yourself from the atrocious game at hand is a complicated process.  One can’t be completely rude by sitting there BlackBerry-ing the entire time, that’s offensive to the person who invited you to the game.  So instead of playing BrickBreaker, try to psych yourself out with the following mind games developed with the fashionista in mind.

1.  Crowd Inspection.  Watching and mentally mocking others is always an enjoyable game to play.  The best venues to people watch are airports, malls and certainly sporting events.  Analyze the sweaty, nasty fans heckling each other in the stands and come up with various criticisms based on their outfits, weight and hair.  Trying to figure out which spectator is dressed the craziest is always fun; just be sure to keep your criticisms to yourself.  Like Mommy always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

2.  Rename the Teams.  Sport teams have such obnoxious names.  They’re all so harsh and competitive.  Develop new names for the teams playing at the event that are more pleasant in nature.  For added fun, try and match the team’s logo with a popular fashion brand.  For example, the University of Florida Gators may be renamed Team “Lacoste.”  Or the Indianapolis Colts could be called Team “True Religion” because of their similar horseshoe insignias.  This game is sure to take up at least one quarter of a sporting event.

Both of these mind games are fun to play and are a great way to keep yourself from collapsing of shear boredom.

Make it a Social Event. Style lovers are usually social butterflies.  They enjoy events where others are present, if only for the purpose of showing off new outfits in front of so called “friends.”  So instead of pouting about having to attend a boring game, invite others to the event.  After all, misery loves company.

Inviting others to attend is often a win-win option.  First of all, more people will be present, which always benefits the home team.  Second, the sports game will instantly become more fun for you as you no longer have to focus on the players and can turn your attention to gossip.

Overall, sports are awful.  They’re barbaric and are the complete opposite of glamorous.  Yet, attendance is often required and the only thing a fashion lover can do is make the most of the situation.  Who knows, maybe you’ll find joy in watching the sport.  But just in case you don’t, be prepared to play some serious mind games.