Johnson’s Updated Dictionary

johnsonAfter our study of Samuel Johnson’s dictionary, we decided to apply our knowledge of satire and create some definitions of our own. Here are some especially good examples of modern additions to the Dictionary:

alligator – an aggressive mascot that protects Florida from Seminoles.

Apple – company that brainwashes people to buy anything they sell; a fruit.

boyfriend/girlfriend – intimate partner for arguing and special moments.

cell phone – something everyone under the age of 50 can’t be without; brain tumor; a device that enslaves humans to a small screen.

college – main cause of gaining 15 lbs.

dance – event students use to do inappropriate things in front of administrators.

eyebrows – hair above your eyes so your face doesn’t look weird.

Facebook – website used to get to know someone without ever talking to them; acceptable stalking.

female – sex that produces ova or bears young, makes all smart decisions, should be president, wears the pants, and according to Beyonce, “runs the world.”

Hollister – the cave where kids work for pennies.

Instagram – social media website where everyone is a photographer; device used by females to get the attention of males.

male – sex that produces sperm.

money – something the government takes away from you.

senioritis – the lack of caring about how scientific this definition should be.

soccer (football) – a sport the whole world except the U.S. plays.

sour gummies – God’s gift to the world.

teacher – a human who ruins children’s hopes and dreams.

television – a brain microwave; the device which major corporations use to brainwash the populace.

trench coat – attire that should be illegal in all states except Rhode Island; used by pocketwatch vendors and your mom’s felon uncle.

UF – college where people who think they are smart and good sports go to get beaten by FSU; acronym for the University of Florida.

word – this.

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